The good old days are too old.

New York is a shiny chrome experience; Hawaii is a matte wood experience.

Don't worry, even if you lose in Vegas your money will be safe.

Anxiety and new ideas don't mix. 

The closer the restaurant is to the water the worse the food.

Very few songwriters should sing their own songs. 

Honor is worth dying for in the South. 

Anxiety and new ideas don't mix.

Face it, stereotypes are useful. 

Downsizing beats capsizing.

The insult is an artform in the South.

Never downsize yourself.

You can tell a lot about people from the kind of rags they have.

The blues is a self explanatory word.

Boy's rock, but girls roll.

The only fair tax is a flat tax.

Indulgence is never worth the price.

When you're on a cell phone you're not present.

The best thing about Sunday is tomorrow's Monday.

Most women don't know how to dress for their hair.

Ideally agents and publishers should need you more than you need them.

Diet for idiots #1: Eat fewer calories than you burn.

Vanity rules!

The proof is in the mirror.

It's time to get the UN to go.

The best mini-series get the worst rating.

I'll never watch another Louis Mall movie if I can help it.

The only thing worse than a doctor's visit is need it in the first place.

When it comes to movies the writer is the only one who counts.

Anyone who's had enough of Obama is okay with me.

Whenever I see people stooping I straighten up ASAP.

Raymond Chandler is an important as Robert Louis Stevenson.

Goodbye to psychology and hello to brain chemistry.

The older an actor gets the more they get cast as bad guys.

Watching boxing is a privilege. 

Hell is folding laundry; emptying the dishwasher is only purgatory.

The mirror never lies.

People who live far seem like better friends.

Why would anyone travel if they didn't have to?

The secret to retirement isn't about having more relaxation. It's about getting more control.

In the art world inventory is a dirty word.

Diet for idiots#3: Avoid empty calories.

A Triad is when you're married to two assholes instead of one.

I thought I new something about love until I heard Toni Child's first album.

Screw the thought, it's the gift that counts.

Most people live from escape to escape.

How does anyone know neutrinos are everywhere?

There's never a good time to do chores.

Never be in a move you wouldn't see.

Talent has nothing to do with ideology.

Polish women are the most underrated beauties in the world.

If writing was easy anyone could do it.

Think about it, everybody's 40.

Once you've been to New Year's Eve in Times Square you know the Palestinians have nothing on us.

Some movies are so believable they're dull; other are so dull they're believable.

Cell phones are more fun than car radios.

The blues give us joy and misery at the same time.

Flirting is good for your health.

Somebody actually does wine tasting for a living.

Why Velcro when you can Teflon?

Melodies are music's ideas.

Almost everybody thinks they're talent, but almost nobody can prove it.

A suit is when the top matches the bottom.

There's a big difference between loving a person and loving your reaction to them.

Every human being on this earth is a brand.

Diet for morons: no bread, no booze and no dessert.

Rejection is acceptance.

Being too busy is an A-class problem.

Productivity is an American concept.

Pollination is plant boffing.

Hawaii is a BYO state.

To get to the hop of the pyramid you have to have it all.

No other country could have brought us BB King and Emmylou Harris.

There's English acting and then there's all the rest. 

When things get tough, ask someone where they want to have lunch.

How come conservative women are so much better looking?

Rap is today's protest music.

Employees are paid according to their rarity. 

No is the best way to say yes.

If you're not the boss, you have to work for some other asshole who is.

California Wine is good enough.

In health clubs it's the cologne that counts.

Stopwatches don't lie.

What this world needs is more sax.

If you don't like Mondays, you don't like life.

Idea thieves deserve the death penalty.

You should always need a P.A.

Everything in life is a half hour too long.